SOUTH PARK: Stupidirama
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: A severe outbreak errupts in South Park. Only Cartman and the CDC can stop it.....
1. Chapter 1

"Stupidirama"

It's a cold winter day in South Park, Colorado. Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny sit on the living room couch in Cartman's house. They watch T.V..

"Man, holiday T.V. sucks Christmas balls," says Cartman.  
"24 hours of 007?" comments Stan.  
"What the hell does James Bond have to do with Christmas anyway"  
"Yeah Cartman, change the channel," says Stan.  
"With pleasure," replies Cartman.  
"Hey, look -- it's Tom Cruise. Turn it up."

Newscaster, "We caught up with Mr. Cruise, and here is what he had to say:

"Oh yeah, Mission: Impossible 3 will totally rule the box office and not suck dramatically. Oh, and it's a shame they executed that innocent man. They should have just let him go. Thank god I have the media to voice all my crazy opinions."

Mr. Cruise use of course talking about Two Keys Villiams, co-fonder of the notorious Bloody Cryptic gang. Back in 1979, Two Keys Villiams robbed a convenience store, killed the helpless clerks execution style with a gunshot to the back of their heads while they were on their knees, and bragged about it. In this reporter's opinion -- Mr. Cruise, wow -- that's pretty stupid."

Brief music. The children are all walking outside.  
"I remembered hearing a number of years ago about how Ricky Lake used to protest the use of animal fur," says Kyle.  
"She was the fat one, right?" asks Cartman.  
"Wuwuwuw uwuw uwuw uw uwuw," says Kenny.  
They all laugh at Cartman.  
"Ay!" he yells.  
"Dude, didn't one of her protests turn violent?" asks Kyle.  
"Yeah," replies Stan, "I remember now. Dude, that's just plain stupid. There's gotta be a way we can stop celebrities from voicing stupid opinions"  
"Wait -- didn't we do this once before?" asks Kyle.  
"I don't know," Stan thinks.  
"I know how to stop that stupid bitch," comments Cartman.  
"Really? How?" says Kyle interestingly.  
"Dude -- you're listening to Cartman -- the man who made that kid eat his parents, the man who fooled us into thinking his hand was J-Lo"  
"Yeah, that was pretty sweet," says Cartman as he chuckles.  
"Listening to Cartman's opinion is like listening to Ward Churchill," says Stan.  
"Oh yeah. Thanks," says Kyle.  
"You can all suck my yuletide log," says Cartman.  
Kenny laughs. They stop in front of Kenny's house.  
"Well Kenny," says Kyle, "I guess we'll see you tomorrow"  
"Wuuwuwuwuw," replies Kenny.

The next day. Lunch time at school.  
Kenny, Kyle and Stan are seated at a table. Eric comes bouncing in with a tray of food.  
Cartman speaks, "Guys -- you're not gonna believe what I saw on the news this morning"  
"Not really," says Kyle, "we have a hard time believing you eve watch the news"  
They all laugh at him. He breaths angrily, then sucks it up.  
"They said "DOOM" tanked"  
"We're aware of that, fatass," replies Stan.  
Cartman grinds his teeth and decides to let that go, "Well, I was watching it when suddenly they did this report on Madonna. Apparently Madonna worships Jihad and uses symbols all over her videos"  
"Jihad isn't a religion, dumbass. Jihad comes from the Islamic religion," comments Stan.  
"Islam? Isn't that what those terrorists who crashed those planes worshiped?" asks Cartman.  
"Yeah, but not all Islamists are bad. We just don't know until it's too late," says Kyle.  
"Another celebrity turned stupid. Guys, we got to fi -- okay, who the HELL is this weirdo who's been walking around us for several minutes?" says Stan.  
The guy, in a white professional suit, takes a picture of the kids.  
Mr. Mackey stops by.  
"Oh, children, there is nothing to worry about -- they're from O.S.H.A. and are inspecting out schools after several complaints had been filled, um kay"  
"Sweet. Hey, bunghole!" Cartman yells.  
There is a flash from underneath the table. The O.S.H.A. man then gets up.  
Cartman continues, "You should really check the conditions of the bathrooms. I sat on the toilet once and got Gingivitis"  
"Let's not bother the nice man, um kay children?" Mr. Mackey walks away.  
CLICK!  
Another O.S.H.A. man looks at the one taking photos of the kids and yells, "Goddamnit Frank! I thought you were watching him"  
He and the other O.S.H.A. man walk over and pulls the picture taker away.  
"Darnit, Steve -- you know you're not supposed to be around children!"

LATER THAT DAY.  
The children knock on the door to Chef's house. It opens. Chef has a towel around his waist and whip cream on his nipples.  
"Hello there children"  
"Hey Chef," they all say at once.  
"Chef, why do you have whip cream on your nipples?" asks Kyle.  
"It's shaving cream," replies Chef.  
"Why are you shaving your nipples?" inquires Kyle.  
"Look, children -- I'm kind of busy. What can I help you with"  
"How do we stop celebrities from being stupid?" asks Kyle.  
"Now, why would you want to do that? Doing stupid things is what keeps them occupied enough to prevent them from causing real harm"  
"We've been watching the news and they are defending murders and such. Someone has to shut them up," says Stan.  
"Children -- celebrities have been doing stupid things since way before you were born. Everyone has a little 'stupidity' in them. It's not something to be afraid of, in fact, it's like that old saying goes: learn from other people's mistakes, or you will be doomed to repeat them"  
"What about Tom Cruise?" asks Kyle.  
"Well, he's a cracker. I guess all you got to do is talk some sense into them. Hopefully they'll realize the errors in their ways"  
"Thanks Chef!" they all say at once.  
"You're welcome children. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a soccer mom waiting," he shuts the door.

NEXT DAY.  
Stan walks passed his dad, who is sitting on the couch watching T.V.  
"Bye dad"  
Stops when his dad doesn't reply.  
"Dad"  
"Shhh..." says Mr. Marsh who points to the T.V., "Another one..."

Newscaster, "...and have finally settled the case. When reached for comment, actor Hugh Jackman ripped the phone out of the wall and cursed."

Mr. Marsh replies, "Don't worry son -- I'll find some way to protect our family from this"  
Stan says uneasily, "Oookaay," and leaves the house.

Kenny, Cartman and Kyle stand at the school-bus stop.  
Stan walks over and joins them.  
Kyle speaks to Stan, "Dude -- did you hear? Now Hugh Jackman has Stupidity"  
"Isn't he the guy from X-Men?" asks Cartman.  
"I think so. I know Captain Picard is," replies Kyle.  
"Kickass," says Cartman.  
"What's Picard's real name anyway?" asks Stan.  
"Some French shit," replies Cartman.  
"Oh, like 'Eric' is any better"  
"At least it's not French. Toad fuckers," says Cartman.  
"Erik Estrada," comments Stan.  
"Jesus," exclaims Cartman.  
School bus pulls up.

LATER THAT DAY. RECESS.  
"Dude, I wish these guys would go the fuck away," says Stan.  
The O.S.H.A. people walk around.  
"Hey guys, wasn't it just last year that Jennifer Lopez was spitting on her fans?" asks Cartman.  
"I think so. Geez, what's with all these celebrities turning Stupid anyway?" asks Kyle.  
"I'm telling you guys -- I know how to cure it," comments Cartman.  
"Cheesy Puffs won't help, superass," says Stan.  
They all laugh at Cartman.  
As we hear Cartman yet again rant about his "big bones", the O.S.H.A. men stop, pack up, and suddenly leave.

LATER THAT DAY.  
It is now dark. We are in another part of the country. Lightening strikes. A white, tall building is illuminated. "CDC" is in big, gold letters on it. At the very top of the tall building a few lights are on.  
"Sir, Richards called in sick for tomorrow," says Wellington.  
"Have him killed and his body incinerated," responds Agent Smith.  
"Yes, sir," replies Wellington.  
"Sir!" exclaims Johnson.  
"Yes Johnson, what is it?" asks Agent Smith.  
"One of out O.S.H.A. Echo Teams has reported back!" replies Johnson.  
"Have they been sanitized?" asks Agent Smith.  
"Yes, sir," replies Johnson.  
The O.S.H.A. team walks in.  
"Team 69, why aren't you wearing masks?" asks Agent Smith.  
"Sorry. Gentlemen -- your masks," commands Team 69 Leader.  
They all put masks with rubber bands on their heads.  
"Did you find anything?" questions Agent Smith.  
"Indeed we did. Number 6," commands Team 69 Leader.  
"After several months of covert studying and incognito gathering, we found that a little mountain town in Colorado called South Park, has a disproportionately high number of cases of ... Stupidity"  
Agent Smith looks at Number 6, "You're telling me there's stupid people in Colorado"  
"Yes, sir," replies Number 6.  
"I thought you said you had NEWS!" yells Agent Smith furiously.  
69 Leader, "But that's not all, sir. Give them the information ... INformation ... INFORMATION ... Number 6"  
"Yes. There is a kid," holds up a picture of Cartman giving them the finger at the cafeteria table, "named Eric Cartman. He claims to know how to cure Stupidity"  
"Is this true?" asks Agent Smith.  
"It is. At least two of my team members heard him say so," replies T69L.  
"Johnson!" commands Agent Smith.  
"Sir," replies Johnson.  
"Call the Helipad and tell them to fuel the chopper and have it ready," orders Agent Smith.  
"Wellington!" yells Agent Smith again.  
"Sir?" replies Wellington.  
"Have equipment and personal items packed. We're going to ... South Park. Colorado"  
(Dramatic music here)  
"Immediately, sir," replies Wellington.  
Johnson and Wellington both run off.  
"This had better pan out, Number 69. We don't want the fiasco we had over rhinoviruses. Really -- who would have known rhinoviruses don't come from rhinoceroses," says Agent Smith.  
"And none of those cows were mad," says Number 69.  
"Indeed," Agent Smith walks over to a large window and looks out it. Lightening strikes while Agent Smith comments, "We must stop this ... outbreak..." 


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: "Stupid Bug"

NEXT DAY. Saturday.

"Where are you going, puffy cheeks?" asks Eric's mom.

Cartman stops after opening the front door and replies, "Kenny, Kyle, Stan and I are going to hang out for a few hours.

"Okay. Be careful, shnukums."

Cartman curses "goddamnit" under his breath as he closes the front door. He walks on over to the group.

Stan talks, "All right, now that we're together, lets head on over to the stadium so we can plan-"

Suddenly the wind picks up ferociously and the sound of helicopter blades cutting the air overwhelms the peace.

A long, white Chinook helicopter lands on the streets.

Men in white suits come running out. The leader address Cartman.

"Are you Eric Cartman?" asks Agent Smith.

"No," points to Kyle, "there's the little Jewish bastard!"

"Goddamnit Cartman!"

"I am Agent Smith with the CDC."

"CBC? Man, I hear about you guys on O'Reilly's viewer mail _all the time_!" says Cartman.

"No, C_D_C; Center for Disease Control."

"What do you want?" asks Cartman.

"Will you come with us?" asks Agent Smith.

"Only if my associates here do."

"Shit. Nice going whaleass – now I'm gonna miss Terrence & Phillip," complains Stan.

Agent Smith turns to Wellington, "Terrence & Phillip?"

"Two Canadian carriers," Wellington replies.

"Oh. Load them in!" commands Agent Smith.

"RA! RA! RA! RA! RA!" the soldiers bark.

The chopper takes off.

After an hour of flying the chopper lands on the roof of the CDC HQ. The landing platform starts moving down like an elevator. Another platform moves into place, covering the hole.

Florescent lights come on and flood the darkness.

The door on the side of the Chinook slides open. The men in white escort the children out of the chopper and to a door marked: Medical Personnel Only – Level A clearance Required.

Agent Smith swipes his badge and the red light on the wall-mounted box turns green, unlocking the windowless door. Everyone except the children, Wellington and Agent Smith, stay outside.

They start walking down the hallway slowly. The walls are white and it is lit up artificially.

"You see, Mr. Cartman-"

"All right – authorita," comments Eric.

"There has been a rash of Stupiditilefosus C, Common Stupidity, among Hollywood moves starts lately. We here at the CDC have been trying for several months now to locate a cure, and track down the original carrier."

"Dude – lots of people are stupid," says Stan.

Seriously, "We're aware of that," and then Agent Smith stops, "take for example this man," flicks a switch. The big rectangular window on their right lights up. There, in a coma, is comedian Lewis Black. "This celebrity was extremely arrogant, unfunny and shared his warped political views on television. We knew immediately he was the latest victim. We tried everything we could think of: drugs, experimental drugs, therapy, suppositories, chemo radiation – none worked."

"What's a suppository?" asks Kyle.

"It's where they shove this thing up your butt and-"

"Is not," Kyle cuts Cartman off.

"Mr. Cartman is indeed correct," says Agent Smith.

"Whoa!" says Kyle in disbelief.

Agent Smith turns off the light, then moves over to the next window. He turns it's light on.

"Hey, that's Steve Martin – he's not stupid," says Stan.

Agent Smith replies, "He made Cheaper By the Dozen and has filmed it's sequel. We could draw no other conclusion."

Agent Smith shuts the light off and moves to the next window. While walking to it, Agent Smith comments.

"Mr. Martin is scheduled for a Stupidectomy tomorrow at 0800. After that he will be given a hysterectomy."

"What? You're not just gonna shove something up his ass?" says Kyle.

"We already did that," replies Agent Smith.

Kyle asks, "Why does everything revolve around the ass?"

"Reverse Engineering," he flicks the lights on to the next window and says, "this is Emmy Award winning composer John Debney. Back in 2004 when he did his score for The Passion of the Christ, he said Mother Mary, Jesus and God helped him. Mr. Cartman, at this time there is no cure for Stupidity. You would be helping hundreds, even thousands of people if your cure really worked."

"Allow me, Mr. Smith," says Cartman.

"Certainly," slides the badge. There is a beep and the lights turns green; door unlocks. He opens it.

Eric walks in. He pushes a chair to Debney's bed and climbs on it so he is head level with the composer. He clears his throat. Everyone watches carefully.

Cartman raises right hand and slaps Debney.

" 'ere! Stop it, you hear? Respect my authorita!"

Debney blinks a few times then shakes his head.

"Wha ... where am I?" Debney asks.

"He did it! Congratulations Mr. Cartman!" says Agent Smith who then pulls out his walkie-talkie, "Johnson – did we get that on film?"

"Yes, sir. It was a miracle," replies Johnson.

"Indeed it was Johnson, indeed it was."

"I'm cured," shouts Debney.

"This is bullshit," says Kyle.

"Indeed you are, Mr. Debney," says Agent Smith.

Debney comments, "Now I can go back to scoring movies!"

Agent Smith sighs and shakes his head, "We knew there would likely be side effects. Wellington."

"Sir?"

"Have him killed and his body incinerated."

"Yes, sir. Right away," replies Wellington.

Debney smiles cheerfully.

"Are we the only un-retarded ones in here?" asks Stan sarcastically.

Agent Smith speaks into his walkie-talkie, "Johnson!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Is the CDC Adjunct ready?"

"Within the hour, sir."

"Come Mr. Cartman. We'll be leaving within the hour."

"Where are you taking us?" asks Kyle.

"Back to your home town boys, to test this new cure on the population."

"Sir, isn't that illegal? Doesn't the FDA have-"

"Goddman the ethics, Wellington! We have to do something before word of this spreads."

AN HOUR LATER.

The Chinook lands next to a big warehouse. The side door slides open and everyone climbs out.

"You kids know how to find your way home, don't you?"

"Um hum," replies Kenny.

"You saw nothing, you understand?" Wellington waves his hand like a Jedi.

"What ever," Stan looks to a side.

"Eric, what do we tell your mom?" asks Kyle.

"Tell her ... to go fuck herself. Screw you guys, you're going home. HA!"

"Shit," says Stan.

They walk off.

MANY MINUTES LATER

Stan walks in. His dad is watching T.V..

"Hey Stan. Listen to this: I was just watching an E! True Hollywood Story about Brittany Spears. Did you know that about a year ago she got married and divorced within 24 hours – on a whim? I fear there is more, far more then is generally known. Son, be careful who you talk to and come into contact with at school. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm sorry, son. I just don't want you being Stupid too. They're just coming out of the wood work; we're being overrun..."

"I heard the CDC say there were hundreds, if not thousands of Stupid people," says Stan.

"My god! They're multiplying..." says Randy.

LATER THAT NIGHT.

Randy is at the bar, drinking with his buddies.

Some guy says, "I tell ya – the Stupid Bug has been gettin' everyone lately. And not just famous folk, regular Joes like us."

They all gasp.

"The CDC says there's thousands of them, why ... they could even be among us."

They all gasp.

Another guy speaks off screen, "Does that mean we won't be able to drink alcohol?"

THREE DAYS LATER

Mr. Garrison walks in. He is wearing a pink dress with a low-cut neck – showing off his cleavage. He sets his purse down.

"Good morning class. Today we have an important issue to discuss, so there will be no school work this period."

Class: "YAY!"

"Okay, settle down bitches. I'm sure by now you've heard of the Stupidity outbreak. So the school board has asked the teachers to show you all proper prevention techniques. Does anyone know what to do if you absolutely, positively _must_ come into contact with a Stupid person?"

A hand goes up.

"Kyle?"

"Respect their differing opinion?"

"Raising your hand and answering is only for people who know the answer, Kyle. Also, make sure the nurse checks you out after class."

Cartman laughs at Kyle.

"Anyone?" asks Mr. Garrison. They all stare blankly at him.

"Finger Condoms," he says.

They blink at him.

Mr. Garrison pulls a box from his large purse. He opens it. He takes out five Finger Condoms. He then pulls out a plastic mannequin hand.

"Okay, I am now going to instruct you on how to properly use Finger condoms. Step 1: You'll need to tear at the package with your teeth like so, because they're a real Liza Minelli to get open. Okay, Step 2: You slide the Finger Condom onto a figer carefully as to not rip it. Step 3: Some people may be allergic to Laytex, so you'll want to suck it off the Finger Condom like so," he sucks on a plastic finger, "Make sure you get the whole thing class," he goes up and down repeatedly. "Um, um, um, oh yeah ... okay. Now clean up the left over saliva," he licks the finger all over.

A kid raises his hand.

"Yes, you in the tacky shirt," says Mr. Garrison.

"Ah, what do we do if they try to engage us in conversation?"

"That's a good question. Class, if a Stupid person walks up to you and asks if you want to see Cheaper By the Dozen 2, what do you say?"

A kid answers aloud, "No, fuck off you dip shit?"

"Correct. I would have also excepted: Eat my ass you crap-sucking moron."

LATER THAT DAY. The CDC Warehouse Adjunct.

"Sir, it's all over the newspapers. The local news is going to do a segment on it tonight," says Wellington.

"We have to assure the public everything is all right. We will also need to redouble out efforts. Mr. Cartman," Agent Smith.

Eric walks in all dressed in white, with a cap on and a round number badge. It reads: No. 138.

"Agent Smith?"

"We'll need you to start administering more doses and be on call 24/7."

"Hella cool!"

"Oh, and here are your Cheesy Puffs," pulls the box out from his white overcoat.

"All right! I'm gonna go brag to my friends!"

"Here, take this long-life cell phone with you. We will call if necessary."

Stan opens the front door to his house. He sees Cartman all dressed.

"Yeah, we know," says Kyle to Stan.

They all start walking.

"Guys, it's so cool! I get my own room, free food, big screen hi-resolution T.V., cloths and people call me mister. Totally awesome."

"Dude, Mr. Garrison showed us how to use Finger condoms. He sucked on them and all. Everyone's talking about it," says Stan.

"...I have my own maid..." says Cartman, totally unaware of Stan speaking.

After a few minutes of walking, they reach the town shopping area.

"Hey you guys, check this out!" points Kyle.

People are walking around with masks on, much like Michael Jackson. They avoid contact and all have on Finger Condoms.

They see them coming out of the grocery store with big bags of food.

"Jesus, it's like everyone's lost their minds! Why don't they take things this seriously when dealing with A.I.D.S.?" comments Kyle.

"Look, we need to find a way to stop these celebrities. But how?" asks Stan.

"Maybe we could get Mr. Cruise's phone number. What about 411 Information?" asks Kyle.

"Nah, I already tried that – it's unlisted. Cartman – you got any ideas?" asks Stan.

"...and the toilet water is blue. Every time!"

"Goddmanit," says Stan.

NIGHT TIME. MARSH RESIDENCE.

Stan, Randy and his mom watch the news.

Newscaster, "As many South Parkians know, there has been rumors of an impending Stupidity outbreak in our town. The Center for Disease Control has set up a secret base here in South Park to possibly monitor the coming outbreak. Sources put the number of people in America with Stupidity at thousands, even tens of thousands. We here at News channel 17 take this very seriously; here with an interview of a CDC spokesman is a midget in a bikini:

The midget holds the mike up to the spokesman.

"I'm Agen ... Joe. Joe e. Everyman. Yes. Rumors of a Stupidity outbreak have been greatly exaggerated. And the CDC has no ultra-secret adjuncts built in abandoned warehouses. Just calm down and take some Valium," looks at the midget, "You are aware you're wearing a bikini in the dead of winter, are you?"

The midget looks at Agent Smith.

"Johnson!"

...A warning to out viewers – this next segment may shock you. We now go live to Hell's Pass Hospital with Dr. Fok Yu. Doctor, you said you had shocking news for us?"

"Very much so, earlier today this patient – who was in for A.I.D.S. medicine – died from Stupidity."

"Huh..." comments Randy.

"Are you sure, doctor?" asks the newscaster.

"Yes, we are quite sure it wasn't the full-blown A.I.D.S., but rather the Stupidity virus."

"Oh ... my ... god," says Randy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: "Outbreak"**

Monday. Stan walks into his house.

"Bye you guys."

Kenny and Kyle say bye. Shuts the door. He looks around; his dad is not watching TV.

"Mom."

She walks in.

"Oh, hey Stan. Did you have a good day at school?"

"No. Everyone had masks on and stayed away from each other. Mr. Garrison even had a pink containment suit on."

"Things have been crazy around here. You won't believe what your father bought."

"Where is he?"

"In the backyard."

Stan walks through the house and out the back door. There is Randy, back facing Stan, directing a big crane dumping dirt on top of a structure sticking out of the ground; the top looking like a metal dome.

"Dad?"

"Stan! Hey, I'm glad you're here. Look at what I got."

"Huge debt?"

"No, this is to protect our family."

"From the creditors?"

"It's a Stupidity Bunker. Incase of emergency, we can all get in and wait for the plague to pass."

"This didn't come out of my college fund did it?"

Randy opens up a set of blueprints on a table, "This is the full unit," he points. It is shaped like an erect penis with a pair of balls. "This," _points to the left nut_, "is the bathroom. And this," _points to the right nut_, "is the food storage area. There is enough food to supply us for over a year if need be. And this," _runs his finger along the shaft_, "is the living module. Places to sleep, radio, so forth. This part," _points to the penis head_, "is the exit. This is for us son, only for us."

There is a moment where he doesn't say anything, but then, "I am _not_ telling Cartman about this."

"Would you like to go in it?"

"No thanks," walks off quickly.

Later that day; CDC HQ. Cartman slaps someone. Smith walks in.

"Mr. Cartman, you have some visitors."

"Oh, geez, I don't know Smith – my wrists are starting to bother me," Eric says melodramatically. "I guess I could see them."

Into the walkie-talkie, "Wellington, send them in."

"Sending them in."

Kenny, Kyle & Stan walk into the room.

"It's okay – he just cured this man," says Agent Smith.

They take the masks they were forced to wear, off.

"Dude," Stan says to Agent Smith, "how about some privacy?"

"I'm sorry, we cannot allow that."

"Fuck it. Cartman – when the hell are you coming back?"

"Do you miss me?" Eric rubs it in.

"About as much as shitting in diapers."

They all laugh, except Eric.

"Seriously – Butters, Tweak, and Timmy – they're the pick-of-the-litter when you're gone. So, are you done playing asshole yet?"

"You guys, I can't leave. It's like I've finally found my calling in life," holds up his right hand.

"Again?" says Kyle sarcastically.

"I get to slap people, all the time. Five minutes ago I got to slap the guy ho runs the A.C.L.U. – it was awesome."

Stan blurts out, "Has everyone here gone brain-dead? All he is doing is slapping them on the face. You can build a machine to do that!"

"Wuw wu wu wuw uw wu uuu," says Kenny.

They all laugh at Eric.

"Ay! Shut up you stupid, poor fag-a-magig!"

"What did you just call him?" asks Agent Smith.

"Fag-a-magig?" says Eric.

"No, before that."

"Stupid?"

"Are you telling me this over-clothed delinquent is … stupid?"

"Oh _hell yes!_ His mom even wears an 'I'm With Stupid' T-shirt!"

"Shut up, fatass!" yells Kyle.

"My god – he has it. Johnson!" into his walkie-talkie.

"Yes, sir."

"Have this kid killed and his body incinerated."

"Immediately, sir."

Doors burst open and Johnson and a guard run over, bag Kenny and run off.

"Oh my god – they're gonna kill Kenny!"

"You bastards!" yells Kyle.

A few seconds pass.

"Dude, shouldn't we go after them?" asks Kyle.

"Why?" asks Stan.

"Agent Smith … these commi homos are starting to make me lose my concentration," he shakes his right hand and lowers it slowly.

"Wellington, get them out of here!"

Wellington starts pushing the kids out.

"Wait! Can I just say one more thing?" asks Kyle.

Cartman shakes his head "yes" to Smith, who in turn does the same to Wellington. Wellington shakes his head randomly.

"Sure slapping people is fun, but it will eventually get tiresome. One day you will wake up and realize you've slapped everyone in town. Then what, Cartman?"

(Dramatic music) "The world. My friend Smith here has contacts in the copyright offices. I've already applied for a patent. While you guys sit around here slapping yourselves, I'll be traveling the world, slapping people in every country, every city, every school. Soon, the whole world will know my name!"

"I'm telling your mom," says Kyle.

"Get them out of here."

They are escorted out.

Hours later. Stan, who has been home for a while, walks up to his dad.

"Dad, why do people do stupid things?"

"I don't know son," says Randy.

"they grow up their whole lives watching people do stupid stuff, then start doing it themselves."

"Well, I read this book Parastupidity, by Dr. Bimbo, who said they just can't help themselves. Once they have the virus they forget things they previously learned."

"But why do people listen and follow clearly stupid people? How could so many people not know better?"

"Well son, people aren't always very-well informed. They don't read a lot and are easily fooled someone who sounds like they know what they are talking about, but in reality are lying. Take the New York Post for example."

"So, there's nothing we can do?" asks Stan.

"I'm afraid not. We just have to shake out heads and try not stare. Hey," he points to the TV, "another hurricane is forming."

"I thought hurricane season ended in November?"

"Me too. Subtropical depression Zeta," reads the TV.

"It's like they keep coming and coming."

"Wonder what causes it," comments Randy.

"I heard in school that global warming has been keeping the seas warmer longer some years."

"Well, I hope no one gets hurt," says Randy.

"Good night dad."

"Good night son."

An hour passes – Randy is still there. Another hour – still there. Another hour – he goes to the bathroom. Half-an-hour later – lies down to sleep. Falls asleep an hour later. Wakes up eight hours, forty-six minutes and twenty-three seconds later. He stretches. He gets out of bed. He walks to the bathroom. He pees. He goes to breakfast. He blissfully eats it. He thanks his wife and kisses her. As he walks to the sink, Stan, who has just woken up, passes him.

"Good morning Stanley," says him mom.

"Hey mom."

"Did you sleep we-"

"_OH MY GOD!_"

"What ever it is, can it wait until _after_ the a.m.?"

"What is it Randy!"

"Remember a few months back when Global Warming occurred?"

"Yes. It turned out the whole town just over reacting again."

"I fell for it ... I even put all those stupid cloths on. I'm afraid I have contracted .. Stupidity!"

They stand there for a second.

"Yeah, I'll say," says Stan.

CUT TO: Mayor's Office. Mayor McDaniels sits down at her desk. Her aides stand at opposite sides of her. She intertwines her fingers on her deal and speaks.

"I've asked you three here today to help make suggestions on how to keep South Park Stupidity free. I assume you all saw the news and know the severity of the situation. Mr. Bragg, your solution first."

"Well, it's very simple: we collect all known infectants; once gathered, they will be shipped to an artificially created island out in the town lake. There they will slowly starve to death, thusly solving our problem."

"I don't know – what if they swim back?" asks the mayor.

"They will die. The lake will have been concentrated with salt and 50 great white sharks – starved fuckers – will swim the waters."

"Gee, islands cost a lot, don't they?"

"The total expense will be 1.2 million dollars."

One of the aides whispers into Mayor McDaniels' ear.

"Oh … oh. Apparently great while sharks are on the Endangered Species List. Thanks anyway. Mr. Pook?"

"I propose we dig a big, gapping hole, shoot them all in the skull, and deposit their carcasses into said hole."

"Oh, heh heh, yes … how deeply disturbing. Mr. Timmons, you have the floor."

A man dressed, neatly-trimmed blond man pushes out wooden tripod on wheels. He sets a large flip-page paper on it.

To herself, "Lord, let this one not be insane…"

Timmons clears his throat, "This is the Auschwitz complex – named after it's designers: Ausch Tong and Jeremy Witz. Here, Stupidity carries who have been brought in," _flips the page to show stick figures with dunce hats on_, "by train, will be disposed of," _flips the page_, "notice the flowers, groomed bushes and beautiful scenery; this will distract them while they are loaded into a purification chamber," _flips the page to show stick figures in a chamber with a skull and cross bones drawn on it_, "once in the purification chamber, they shall be sealed in and gassed with carbon monoxide until no longer a threat."

"That's horrible!" exclaims the mayor.

"Oh, don't worry, our men will be wearing proper masks and suits."

"I meant for all those poor registered voters!"

"Oh, yes … well, no one said purification would be pretty," flips the page to the nest one, which shows black clouds in the room and stick figures with "X"'s on their eyes, on the floor.

Timmons looks at the mayor. The mayor looks at Timmons. This goes on a few more times. The mayor pushes really hard at something under the desk.

"Damnit, (aide name; sorry fans, I couldn't find the name), why isn't the security alarm working?"

"It is, your mayorness, but budgetary cutbacks have guards on part time."

"Shit. We'll, eh, consider your proposal, Mr. Timmons," she blinks a few times, then leans into an aide, "will someone get him the _hell_ out of here?"

Agent Smith enters a room. In it are toys, a bed, a TV and DVD player, and an X-Box. Cartman is playing video games.

"Mr. Cartman, are you busy?"

"No, just exercising my god-given talent Agent Smith. Can I help you?"

"A couple new cases of Stupidity have just arrived and a few of my men would like to see you in action."

"Hummm … perverted followers – not exactly what I envisioned," speaking up, "okay, they may watch, but no one is allowed to look directly at my face – it inhibits my … abilities."

"Of course."

Agent Smith and Cartman enter a padded while cell, where two men and a woman, in straight jackets, wait. Agent Smith's aide waits, along with a few other CDC personnel.

Cartman snaps a finger and Wellington brings a gold-platted chair – with royal red cushion – for Cartman to stand on. Cartman climbs it. For "show" he holds his hand in dramatic pause. Some of the CDC members point, while a couple take notes.

"No!" slaps the first guy.

The guy rubs his cheek. Agent Smith approaches. He holds up all four fingers, "Sir, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Ah, four."

"Good. How many contiguous states are there?"

"48."

"Good. Name three of Whoopi Goldberg's last films."

"Eh … I have no idea."

"Excellent! Everything appears to be in order; Johnson, release this man."

"Yes, sir."

"Next," says Cartman.

Wellington brings over the next carrier; it is a hippie.

"Ah! Die you hippie fuck!" grabs the chair and prepares to clobber the hippie as it smiles and gives him the peace symbol.

"Whoa Mr. Cartman! What is the problem?" asks Agent Smith.

"It's a hippie!" whacks the hippie.

"Yes, so?"

Eric thinks for a second, then smiles evilly and replies, "Well, you see, Agent Smith, these types of infectants are incurable."

"So, what do you suggest we do?"

Eric looks to the side and comments suggestively, "…kill him and have his body incinerated…"

"Johnson!" into the walkie-talkie.

"Yes, sir?"

"Have this man killed and his body incinerated."

"As you wish."

"What?" says a baffled Agent Smith.

"Yes, sir."

"…okay…"

Cartman again snaps a finger and Wellington brings the chair over to the next carrier – a fat black lady. Cartman steps up and slaps her.

"What!" shakes a finger in a stereotypical way, "oh no you just didn't!"

"What happened here?" asks Agent Smith.

Stunned for a second, Cartman than thinks; he stretches his fingers, then slaps her again while yelling out, "_Stop being stupid, you hear!_"

"Talk to the hand you pudgy, umpa lumpa wanna be."

Agent Smith comments, "Hum … it seems to be ineffective on this carrier; perhaps they are mutating. Should we have the body incinerated, Mr. Cartman?"

"No, Agent Smith, I believe this calls for my new technique; it's still in the experimental stages."

"New technique? This hasn't been discussed."

"I call it: kick in the ass. Observe," and with that Eric kicks her on the ass.

"Da'amn!" she exclaims.

"Miss, are you all right?"

"I guess all I needed was a kick in the pants," she replies.

"Really … finish this phrase: Notorious _blank_."

"B.I.G."

"O.J. is _blank_."

"Innocent."

"Wayne Brady is _blank_."

"Funny."

"Well, Mr. Cartman, it appears she recollects all the useless knowledge and demonstrates the improper use of thought – for all intents and purposes, it appears this new 'cure' works. But I'm afraid for now it must not be used until tested properly."

"But … I wanna kick people in the ass now."

"I'm sorry, I cannot permit that," replies Agent Smith.

"Fine," Eric walks off while whispering under his breath, "I'll just patent it myself…"

"411? Yeah – get me Tom Cruise's Agent's number. Yeah, Los Angeles. What do you mean 'unlisted'? Thanks anyway," he hangs up and turns to the Kenny and Kyle.

"Well, what happened?" asks Kyle.

"Tom Cruise's Agent has his phone number unlisted too so he can't be called."

"Well, how do we reach him?"

"Maybe we can google it," says Stan.

Kyle goes to the computer and to and searches, "Ah, here we go: it looks like Paris Hilton has had her T-Mobile hacked again. Here's his number: area code (310) 555-3425. What do we say?"

Stan thinks for a moment, "All right you guys, hush for a second," he dials, "it's ringing. Hello, Mr. Cruise? Ah, tell him it's … ah … Mr. Kyle Broflovski – a jew from Hollywood."

"Dude!" says Kyle.

"Sorry, some chick named Katie answered. I had to convince her to let me talk to him and then I remembered one of Cartman's rants about Hollywood being full of Jewish people."

"Yeah, but still…"

Interrupts Kyle, "Is this Mr. Cruise? Yeah, my name is Mr. Kyle Broflovski. The mayor of South Park, Colorado, would like to invite you over to congratulate you on your recent shooting of _Mission Impossible: 3_. Ah huh. This Thursday at 1 p.m. sharp. You too, bye," turns to them after hanging up, "Guys! He totally bought it."

"No way," replies Kyle.

"Yes way. In two days, the whole world will know Tom Cruise doesn't have a disease, but actual stupidity."


	4. Chapter 4 FINALE

**Chapter 4**

The next day. Stan wakes up and heads to the kitchen. No one is there.

"Mom? Dad?" he looks around.

After checking their bedroom, he checks the backyard. Randy stands there in a yellow containment suit. His vice is somewhat muffled as it goes through the voice apparatus.

"Finally, you're awake! We have to hurry Stan, and get in before you're both infected."

"But, dad-"

"There's no time to 'butts' – go pack some cloths and necessities and meet us in the unit."

Stan just stares.

"Hurry!" and Randy leaves dramatically for the unit entrance.

Stan turns around and just leaves the house.

Cartman hangs up the phone in his CDC room.

"Goddamnit!"

The door opens and Agent Smith enters.

"Agent Smith, I can't get anyone at the copyright office to answer me."

"That's because we have told them not to."

"What! Just how the hell am I supposed to copyright my 'Foot Up Their Asses' technique?"

"We, the CDC, cannot allow you to endanger the lives of people with what may be nothing more than a placebo."

"_You can't do that!_"

"We can quarantine towns, and even declare that your cat has Mad Cow Disease."

"Then I guess I don't work for the CDC anymore," says Eric.

"You guessed correctly," raises his walkie-talkie and speaks into it, "Johnson."

"Yes, sir?"

"Escort Mr. Cartman out of this adjunct and deny him further access."

"Right away," enters the room and starts pushing Eric out.

"Ill get you for this! I swear to god I'll find your parents and make you eat them!"

"Oh," Agent Smith turns around, "and we've cancelled your Slap Face patent and put it in our name. I believe the proper expression is: Eat cock."

Cartman screams as he is dragged out of the bedroom door entrance, "_You son of a bitch!_"

Stan and Kyle walk.

"Hey Stan, my dad said your dad got an underground Stupidity Bunker."

"Oh my god – he's in it right now. This thing is shaped like a big penis."

"Hey – it's Pee Wee's Playhouse," jokes Kyle.

They laugh.

"Good one," says Stan.

"Look, there's Cartman."

They walk over to a hatless Cartman, who is murmuring ramblings under his breath.

"So, was the CDC able to find out why your ass is so enormous?" asks Kyle.

"Ay!" shouts Cartman.

They laugh at him.

"Eric, if you're done playing asshole, we're gonna go hand out around town and tell people Tom Cruise is coming tomorrow. Wanna come?" asks Stan.

"T … Tom Cruise is coming … here?"

"Yeah, we're gonna show people there's no such thing as a Stupidity disease," says Stan.

Eric whispers, "Excellent. I'll show them; soon the whole wor-"

"Cartman – what are you doing?" asks an annoyed Stan.

"What? I was just talking to myself."

"You're not planning an evil scheme, are you?"

"No," shifts his eyes around, "of course not," starts whispering again after a few seconds, "no one will be able to deny my power – they will all-"

"Stop it," says Stan.

The nest day. A group of town's people gather around the mayor's office as the children watch. Cartman holds up a "Welcome, Tom Cruise" sign.

Chef steps out of the crowd.

"Children, what he hell are you doing?"

"We're waiting for Tom Cruise to show so we can prove to everyone this disease is total bubkiss."

"Children, Tom 'Cracker' Cruise and all his other scientology friends are too busy filming crappy sequels and getting others to believe their religious mumbo jumbo."

"How are your shaved nipples?" asks Stan.

Chef looks around at fellow crowd members, "They're fine, thanks for asking," and quickly disappears into the crowd.

The mayor peaks though the curtains to the office window.

"Oh lord – the voters are revolting. Maybe it was that three cent tax increase," sees people pointing to a stretch limo pulling up. The crowd goes wild.

"Sir, we still have Mel Gibson. Records show he visited South Park before," says Johnson.

"Then he can't be the original carrier; these people have dealt with Stupidity for a while," says Agent Smith.

"Then what do we do, sir?"

"We'll dilute the town's water supply with the newfound cure; like the government did with Fluoride – standard procedure."

"And Mr. Cruise?"

"We'll wait and see…"

Tom Cruise steps out of the limo in flashes of camera lights and news people.

"Mr. Cruise! Mr. Cruise! It is true rumors that MI:3 has no actual plot?"

"Of course not. Good versus evil – the most common plot of them all," smiles

The mayor comes running over.

"Ow, ow! Mr. Cruise – is it true you've knocked up Katie Holmes? And if so, would you consider doing me next? Please?"

"Yeah, that's right – while you're here, Miss Holmes is at home, several months pregnant, and fending for herself. Right?"

"Well … it's ah … new era and … ah – women's independence…"

"And that bullshit religion?" asks Kyle.

"Parting waters and making water into wine, or aliens putting worries into human heads – I think it's obvious which one is more believable…"

"And that is?" asks Kyle.

"Christianity. Damnit! I meant scientology! Scientology!"

Cartman reaches up and slaps Tom clear across the face. He blinks momentarily.

"And gang-founding murderer Two Keys Villiams?"

"Ah … well … Katie! Help me!"

Kyle speaks into a bullhorn, "Everyone – can I have your attention?"

They al quiet down.

"Mr. Cruise is obviously stupid, but he doesn't have 'Stupidity', in fact, none of you do; no such disease exists. Think about it – if he had such a disease, all the actors and actresses he's come into contact with would be stupid. Last time I checked, 3333333333 was pretty normal to me."

They all talk amongst themselves.

"There is no epidemic here, but there is an outbreak of loss of common sense. Sure we do things wrong, but Stupidity is just a word, not a virus. A good friend once told me: 'Stupid' people have been around for a long time. In fact, all of us have done something stupid; whether we want to admit it or not. Sure, some people – like Mr. Cruise," they all look at Cruise, "do stupider things than others, but to err is human. All of us have a little stupidity in us. It's not something to be afraid of, but rather a thing to learn from. Only that way can we better ourselves and the world. Let's face it: no one has never _not_ made a mistake. We need to be a little stupid something … just to help the world."

"He's right … of Mr. Hat – what have I done!" exclaims Mr. Garrison.

The audience comments agreeingly.

"Damn. I should write a book or something," says Chef.

"Hey look!" says a lady in the crowd.

Tom Cruise suddenly falls over to the sidewalk.

A doctor rushes over. Agent Smith and Johnson stand by.

A doctor feels one of Tom Cruise's wrists, "There's no pulse. He's dead Jim."

The crowd gasps.

"Wellington," says Agent Smith into the walkie-talkie, "pack up and have the chopper ready; we're leaving," and Smith and Johnson walks away.

The doctor further examines him and lifts up the eye lides to inspect him, "Yup – just as I suspected: Idiocy."

**-THE END-**

We see Randy in his yellow containment suit, slowly oozing from the unit's exit.

"No, still stuck. Push harder!"

He eases out. Finally, after one hard push, he falls to the ground.

"Oh, thank god it's over."


End file.
